A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour
and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and
the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Sheldon.”
“Who?”
“Sheldon Cohen. There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my cab
being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon
every single time.”
“Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody”,
stated the passenger.
“Not Sheldon,” said the cabbie. “He was a terrific athlete. He could
have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and
sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in
his prime. He was something!
“Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy,” the cabbie
continued. “He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s
birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix
anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood
blacks out.”
“Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!” said the passenger.
“Well, I never actually met Sheldon,” admitted the cabbie.
“Then how do you know so much about him?” asked the passenger.
“After he died, I married his wife.”
Personal Ads – Real Meanings
WOMEN’S ADS
40-ish………………………………49
Adventurer………………………..Slept with all your friends
Athletic…………………………….No tits
Average looking………………….Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful…………………………..Pathological liar
Contagious Smile………………..Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated……………………..Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure……………..Medicated
Feminist…………………………….Fat ballbuster
Free spirit………………………….Junkie
Friendship first…………….Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun………………………………..Annoying
Gentle……………………………..Comatose
Good Listener……………………Borderline Autistic
New-Age………………………….All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned…….Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded……………………..Desperate
Outgoing…………………………..Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate…………………………Sloppy drunk
Poet…………………………………Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional……………………….Certified Bitch
Redhead……………………………Bad dye-job
Reubenesque………………………Grossly Fat
Romantic…………………………..Looks better by candle light
Social…….Has been passed around like an hors d’oeuvres tray
Voluptuous………………………..Very Fat
Height/weight proportional…….Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate………………….Stalker
Widow…………………………..Drove first husband to shoot
himself
Young at heart. …………………..Old bat
Now, for the boys?
MEN’S ADS
40-ish……………………………….52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic……………………………..Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking………..Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated…………………………Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit……….. ……………….Banging your sister
Friendship first……………….As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun……………………………Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking………………………Arrogant
Very good looking………………..Dumb as a board
Honest………………………………Pathological Liar
Huggable…………………..Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle……………………Insecure mama’s boy
Mature………………………………Older than your father
Open-minded….Wants to sleep with your roommate but she’s not
interested
Physically fit……………………….Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet……Wrote ex-girlfriend’s phone number on a bathroom stall
Sensitive…………………………….Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive………………………Gay
Spiritual………………………………Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable……………………..Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful………………….Says “Excuse me” when he farts
After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some
cosmetic surgery “down below” to restore herself to her former youthful
glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like
a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that,
with six children now being the limit, she’d tidy things with a nip
here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather
than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find
three roses at the end of the bed.
“Who are these from?” she asked the nurse, “they’re very nice,
but I’m a bit confused as to why I’ve received them”
“Well” said the nurse, “the first is from the surgeon – the
operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted
to say thanks.”
“Ahh, that’s really nice” said Jane.
“The second is from your husband – he’s delighted the operation was such
a success that he can’t wait to get you home. Apparently it’ll be the
first time he’s touched the sides for years and he’s very excited!”
“Brilliant!” said Jane.
“And the third?”
“That’s from Eric, a patient in the burns unit” said the nurse.
“He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears”
